Getting you up to speed, and looking at hot men.

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks I can't even begin to cover it all. I will give you an update in the form of a short, non-descriptive list though.

- My apartment is the mother fucking bomb.
- I'm no longer funemployed, and actually have a pretty legit job.
- My dog, cat, and most of my personal belongings are still waiting for me to come pick them up from the oily beaches of Alabama.
- Until I can do that I've been scoring cheap/free shit off Craigslist, which I have come to worship.
- I managed to get drunk in a public place with some agreeable people here in DC and then very nearly pissed myself waiting on the Metro on my way home, so take that how you will.
- Numerous friends are planning visits.
- Who knew the P St Whole Foods had a parking deck? I didn't, apparently I'm blind. This would have been helpful the first week I was here.
- I saw We Are Scientists, this should automatically make you envious of me.
- The fact that it was 67 degrees last night and 80 something back in Alabama makes me feel just a teensy bit superior.
- I went through a 24+ hour long power outage and spent most of that time riding my bike in Rock Creek Park, so as to come home sweaty and even more over heated. I make wonderful decisions you guys.
- I got around to watching Jesus Camp, and it legitimately instilled a sense of dread in me.
- I don't want to watch anymore sex scenes on movies or TV shows until my boyfriend is here and that's final. I feel like a starved Ethiopian child, but it has nothing to do with food.
- Parking tickets, wamp wamp wamp.
- Centipedes are terrifying.

So there you have it. Not really short, and a tad descriptive, so I'm sorry I lied.

Now that I have a home, stable job, and most importantly, a fast internet connection, I'm going to attempt to start writing more regularly on here. Key word, attempt. No promises. If anyone who read this blog in the past remembers particular things they liked to read about let me know. Although I foresee getting zero comments on this post, due to my steady absence lately.

Now, onto what obsessions with hot actors can lead to:



Inception:
This movie dealt with dreams, within dreams, within dreams. If that sentence doesn't fucking blow your mind, then the movie at least probably will. First, wonderful cast, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, and my former 500 Days of Summer crush. Second, interesting, unique storyline. Third, extremely fucking visually appealing. I'm not saying go see this movie on drugs, but I'm not not saying go see this movie on drugs.

I give it five out of five, easily.



The Kids Are All Right:
Ever since I first saw Mark Ruffalo in XX/XY way back in the day I have thought of him as one of the sexiest guys ever (in my opinion he rivals Johnny Depp, it's that serious). So if he stars in a movie, I will more than likely find a way to see it, as soon as humanly possible. This movie not only stars him, but is about two kids with lesbian parents who get in touch with their biological father (the sperm donor for the lezzies). Having lesbian parents myself, and not knowing my father, I can obviously relate to this, although don't think for a second Ruffalo still isn't the main reason I made my way to the theater to see it. Anyways, I really throughly enjoyed this movie, I thought the entire cast did a great job of acting, most notably Julianne Moore, it was extremely funny at times, and most importantly of all: MARK RUFFALO SEX SCENES.

Do you even have to ask? I give it five out of five.

I know, two five stars in a row. To be fair, the second one would have gotten five stars even if the acting had been deplorable solely for those sex scenes.

That's all for now. Before I go though, I just found this in the depths of my personal files on my laptop, and because I'm now extremely creeped out, I'd like to creep you out, so here you go:



You're welcome.

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P.S. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

A smorgasbord of stuff for everyone!

Before I start, I'd like you to know that I did not know how to spell "smorgasbord" and when I Googled it, I found out that "smorgasbord" serves many different purposes:

- A collection containing a variety of sorts of things.
- A type of Scandinavian meal served buffet-style with multiple dishes of various foods on a table, originating in Sweden. In Norway it is called koldtbord and in Denmark it is called kolde bord.
- The second album by popular children's entertainers Sharon, Lois & Bram, originally released in 1979.

Moving on, it's been a while since I've reviewed any movies, so we'll have some of that. I'll also be updating you on what's going on in my life, which is more or less just going to be me complaining. You're welcome.

Onto the films, shall we?



Eclipse:
C'mon! You knew it was coming! It's almost like I have to considering I reviewed the other two pre-teen jerk off films. Maybe that was a little harsh, but I don't care. The reason New Moon was so much more bearable was because, for the most part, Edward wasn't in it. Jacob's acting isn't much better, but I'll take his macho werewolf crap over mister "I'm consistently in deep emotional pain and it shooooows" vampire. Eclipse brought me back to the days of the first movie, when I was writhing in my seat trying to calm myself down from the intensely uncomfortable awkward romantic scenes. Except this time I was accompanied my two of my good friends, who such as myself, have the maturity level of five year olds. Instead of being uncomfortable we were simply laughing our asses off (read: trying to be quiet but unable to control the laughter, causing crying, causing more laughter, causing us to spill our food everywhere [what a damn waste of Rasinets] causing more laughter, causing the fact that the entire theater probably hated us). I don't feel as bad as I should, I know due to the fact they they get married and go on a honeymoon and (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!) have sex, laughter is how I'm going to get through the fourth movie, Breaking Dawn. As with New Moon, the ONLY thing keeping this movie from going straight to the bottom of my list is the werewolves, and in particular, the intense werewolf/ Cullen tribe vs. newborn vampires battle scene. I may have involuntarily clapped when the werewolves jumped out of the forest. I may have involuntarily clapped twice. I tried to find a picture of that scene, but Google must be a twelve year old girl, since the only thing I could find is the above. I'm sorry.

While Twilight got two, and New Moon four (due to less Edward and more werewolves), this one will have to settle with three out of five (Edward came back, but still lots of werewolves). Also, if you can just make it funny, it's worth seeing.



Get Him To The Greek:
Totally different story! Any movie that can make me laugh my ass off hysterically simply because the main characters are so fucked up on drugs they stroke a furry wall for comfort, is more than enough to make it one of the best movies ever in my opinion. After seeing it I thought maybe I just enjoyed it because of my rampant immaturity, but I have yet to talk to anyone who doesn't completely agree with me. I don't know what else to tell you, other than: LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLZOZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

I give it five out of five.

Gaynelle and I also came to the conclusion by the end of the movie that Russell Brand is a sexy man (albeit a little gay), which is another supporting reason to go see it.



Now onto my complaints.

I'm going to DC on Wednesday to stay in a weekly rental, and hopefully find a permanent rental. I've been starving myself and hooking on the side all summer to be able to afford to move finally. Alright, that's not true at all, but it's makes my plight so much more desperate if you just go with it. Anywhoo, this week I plan on riding my bike all over DC begging landlords to give me an apartment, and I'm hoping the weather will be kind and not ridiculously hot, because I'm preparing for this to take for-fucking-ever, considering I'm trying to find something affordable but big enough for a couple (yes, boyfriend is moving in with me, I know, wheeeee!), but also something that accepts my cat and large moderately sized dog. You know all those movies where kids move to big cities to make it on their own and they have to stay in a really tiny studio and eat Ramen noodles all year, but it still works out and they're super duper happy? Well, finding a really tiny studio to accept you isn't easy and noodles get expensive, and even when you know the city like I do, it's STILL hard. Breathing feels expensive right now. I've got a good bit of money saved up, but I'm afraid to buy a .50 cent soda because I know enough of those will eventually lead to the disappearance of all my money and gahhhhh, it's so stressful.

Anyways, as much as I'd like to stay in Gulf Shores, AL and collect dirty oil money from BP (hah, NOT), my first steps to finally leaving start this week. Hopefully by mid August I'll be living in a studio in Northwest, serving tables at some fancy place in DuPont, and living a jolly little life.

So, adieu for now, I will be checking in sometime next week to update everyone on how my apartment search is going (yes the blog is coming back, as I told you it would when I moved). Wish me luck!

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PS. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT THIS, I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT, OMG, DON'T JUDGE ME, BUT YEAH HERE YOU GO. Sorry for the all caps there for a second. Got carried away...

OMFG!!!!!111!! Team Edward, lyke, fo real.

Um, seriously. How can someone not feel like they're 13 years old when getting into the "Twilight saga" shit?

I'll admit it though, I read every book. I liked them too. Maybe a little too much. Meyer's good, what of it!? I read her "adult" novel too if that counts for anything! It was good too! So don't judge me for liking vampire love stories like 89% of the rest of the female population!!!!

Maybe I'm defending myself too harshly. I feel no shame for loving the unholy-fuck out of the Harry Potter shit and all that is related to the Harry Potter shit. You know why I feel ashamed about Twilight? I watched the movies. Yes, plural, movieS. Even though the first movie is like, old, I feel I must "review" it in order to "review" the second one.

Ahem.

TWILIGHT SAGA MOVIE REVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA PRE-TEEN STYLEEEEZZZZEEZ!!



Twilight:
Can someone say HOLY AWKWARD! I loved the books, I like Kristen Stewart, but this movie was physically painful to watch due to the intense awkward moments! The special effects were also pretty abysmal. I tried hard to like this movie. Very hard. I even lied and said I loved it. I bought it. I lied to myself. It sucked. I think the characters were cast quite well, with the mighty huge exception of Edward. I mean, you are tasked with the job of finding a crazy hot guy to play the hottest vampire love story character of the half decade, and you choose the guy who played Cedric Diggory on Harry Potter? Really? Robert Pattinson is "hawt" but in no way hot enough to be Edward Cullen. Major fail. The only enjoyment I got out of this movie was reliving the enjoyment I got out of the book.

I give it two out of five.



New Moon:
This movie was a whole different story. New director, more money to work with, more to the story, and the most important factor of all: Werewolves. Let me repeat that. WEREWOLVES. I don't know if I've made this clear yet or not, BUT I FUCKING LOVE THE GOD DAMN SHIT OUT OF SOME WEREWOLVES. I'm in no way kidding when I say they are in my top five of my most favorite things ever. It just so happens that I prefer giant wolves on four feet to man-like hairy upright-standing creatures. So I loved this movie. There were also less of the awkward moments. I love the character of Alice and the rest of the Cullen family, and there was more of that action. There was less of Edward. Good for me, not so good for the mass amount of crying pre-teens who didn't get their fill of the British 23 year old. There was also the Volturi. Wiki it bitch. Also, no, Jacob wasn't hot enough either, and wow New Moon movie, way to be obvious about showing off the guys shirtless.

I give it four out of five. That's definitely the werewolves speaking.

Regardless, I am and will always be, Team Edward (in case you were wondering).

You know what I honestly think was the hottest part of both movies? Justin Chon:



Sexay..

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Explosions, tortue, the end of the world, and Gerald Butler.

Movie review time! Two for one style!



Law Abiding Citizen:
I thoroughly enjoyed this film. It's one of those movies where you're not exactly sure who to feel sorry for, and I for one think that's hard for a film to do. Gerald Butler is a sexy man, Jamie Foxx is a sexy man, and there's tons of explosions and shit, so you shouldn't be let down with this one. There is however some torture and if you're one of those people who like happy-smiley-time movies and can't deal with a lot of death in your films, I would pass. I think the moral of this film for me was "Don't fuck with parents".

I give it four out of five.



2012:
Okay, this is either a movie you love or hate. That's what I'm gathering from others reactions anyways. I loved it. This coming from someone who thinks the 2012 end of the world theory is complete bullshit. I liked it because I love seeing shit destroyed. Yeah, I said it. My friend that saw this movie with me brought me a Pabst to drink (and when they drank Pabst in the movie we almost screamed) and the entire time we were anxiously complaining until shit got destroyed. Then we were wriggling with glee with sparkles in our eyes. The main characters go through some ridiculous scenes trying to escape the destruction, and well, there is no way in hell those fuckers would have made it out alive if this was real, but that's why it's a movie. The special effects were pretty good, only a couple of times did I say to myself "Wow, how fake." The story line was decent. While being based off of complete bullshit, it didn't dwell too hard on the religious crap and I liked the ending of the movie (don't worry I won't spoil it for you). There were some funny parts too. What brought it all together for me was John Cusack:



Two pictures weren't enough, I had to bring out the young sexy one. Anyways, I'm not sure why, but I LOOOOOOOOOVE John Cusack. I just do. Even if he is 43 now.

So, since I love John Cusack and seeing shit get destroyed...

I give it four out of five.

For the rest of the population that's not weird like myself, I give it three out of five.

You make the decision.

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You know who's hot?

I haven't done an installment of this in a while, and I'm short on time, so there.



I don't know why but I find Paul Rudd to be irresistibly attractive! It caught me off guard to tell you the truth, but oh boy, the things I would do to this man. He's so hot in such a normal kind of way. If I ever get married and have kids (HAH!), I want the guy I do those things with to be exactly like Paul Rudd. He's recently been in a lot of movies, mostly comedies, including I Love You, Man, Role Models, and Knocked Up.



A girl saying Johnny Depp is hot is sort of equivalent to a girl saying she has a vagina. It's just common knowledge. Now, I don't know if you've been under a rock lately, but a mass amount of straight guys also agree that Johnny Depp is hot. I've had many guy friends proudly explain that they would let Johnny Depp do anything he wanted to them.

Well, Megan Fox is my equivalent. That girl is perfection, and if I looked like her, I'm 99.7% sure I'd rule the world. I'm surprised she doesn't already, and I'm chalking it up to the fact that she's probably not as intelligent as she is hot. That doesn't matter though, because she's hot. She's the new Angelina Jolie (I know you may need time for that to sink in, but yes, that just happened). If you're a guy who doesn't find her attractive, well, I'll be glad to join you during your next outing at Emerald City. If you don't know what major films Megan Fox has been in, you're no longer my friend.

You're welcome, very welcome, for the above photos. Do enjoy.

- Completely unrelated note! A new manager recently joined us at work. He is a redneck, to say the least. My co-driver said this yesterday: "That guy needs to crawl back into the can of Skoal he came out of." Needless to say, I will be borrowing that sentence for years to come.

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No time to really write tonight so...

More Jason Schwartzman.

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You know who's hot?

Jason Schwartzman

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