The Pros & Cons of Washington, DC

Ever since I moved my friends have been constantly asking me how things are going, what I've been up to, how is the city, blah blah blah.

Since nothing else really interesting has happened to me lately (other than working two weeks in a row without an off-day and falling in love with raspberry beer) I've decided to answer everyone in-masse. Who knows, maybe new DC residents will find this list helpful? Probably not.

We'll start with the good and move onto the bad.

DC's Pros:
- MUSIC SCENE. Since living here I've seen We Are Scientists, and on Tuesday I'll be seeing Of Montreal. Last month I missed the Crystal Method, and this weekend I will be missing Vampire Weekend and Beach House, but down the line I can look forward to the Foals, Benny Benassi, Sara Bareilles, Klaxons, Stars, Rogue Wave, The xx, Rob Zombie, and Interpol, just to name a few. Will I actually make it to all of those events? No, I'm too poor, but I'll certainly be at some of them. Having so many different wonderful shows come through the area not only has me thrilled but overloaded. In addition I just so happen to live within two miles of the Black Cat and the 9:30 Club, which makes life even sweeter.
- FOOD. Gone are the days of McDonalds, Waffle House, shitty produce from Wal-Mart, and redundant chain restaurants. If I want to eat cheap I can pick up wallet-friendly yet delicious ethnic food from one of the many restaurants near my apartment, or from one of the food trucks, if I want to spend some cash I have so many ridiculously good places to choose from I have no choice but to use Urbanspoon as a decision maker. Grocery shopping is fun, you have your staples like Whole Foods, Safeway, Giant, and Harris Teeter, but you also have your farmer's markets, bodegas, and other small local markets that carry a delicious inventory.
- WEATHER. Sure, it's been pretty hot lately, but compared to the beaches of Alabama, it's nothing. The cooler days have been fantastic and I'm thrilled for fall and winter to arrive. Seasons are nice to have after living somewhere that has a persistent summer and a few chilly days.
- PEOPLE. I've met so many awesome people in DC, heard so many different opinions, and learned so many new things, it's awesome. Who knows how many people I could meet in a years time, let alone five years time.
- ART. Whether it be films, photography, paintings, graffiti, it's everywhere, the new, the old, the classy and respected, and the gritty and offensive, and I love it.
- IKEA. Okay well technically it's in Maryland and not really a big deal, but I love IKEA so it's going on the list.
- IT'S THE CAPITOL. I don't care much about the monuments, and the National this and the National that, but I think everyone who lives here has to admit, it does feel nice to live in the most politically powerful city in the world.
- GAY PEOPLE. They're everywhere, and every time I run into a fabulous gay man I want to grab him by the hand and run off to Georgetown and buy chocolates at Dean & Deluca and just have a jolly good time. (Disclaimer: I was raised by lesbians, and various gay men are as close as I got to having any father figures, so I'm just destined to want to bond with them all.)
- ROCK CREEK PARK. If you come to DC, go there, if you live here and don't like it, fuck you. RCP is sooooooooo awesome, I feel like I'm nowhere near DC when I'm there and that is a feat my friend.

DC's Cons:
- PARKING TICKETS. I'm very nearly convinced the parking enforcement people that work in DC are Nazi's. Where to park, when to park, and how long to stayed parked, has been on the forefront of my mind ever since I got here. I've spent so much money on tickets, it's not even remotely something I want to joke about.
- TRAFFIC. It's gotten to the point where if my destination is over 3 miles away, I usually don't go. If you call me while I'm driving in DC, pretty much the entire time I'm just going to be yelling at people that can't even hear me and flipping off cab drivers. There's also this stoplight on New Jersey Ave, right before the M St intersection before you turn onto New York Ave by 395, that I have to go through everyday to get to work, and I swear to you, the light only stays green for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS. I want to take that stoplight, tie it to a large heavy object, and sink it into the middle of the Pacific ocean so I never have to look at it again.
- PEOPLE. I know I listed people as a pro, but it's also a con. Homeless people begging you for money all the time and then giving you dirty looks when you don't give in. Assholes on the Metro who stand on the left side of the escalator and don't board the trains correctly. Any and all tourists. Snooty pretentious bitches. Creepy guys. There's a great deal of annoying people here, but really that goes for any large city.
- METRO. I used to really love the Metro, enjoy riding it, and thought it was the bee's knees. Then I had to use it to get me to work, and all those happy feelings went flying through the window. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Metro, I do still enjoy it when I'm not in a hurry and I do feel it's superior to many other cities public transportation, but you can only deal with so many delays and fuck-ups before you just give up.
- PUBLIC SERVICES. Need a trash-can? Well it's not easy to get one. Need a driver's license? It's not easy to get one. Need a parking pass? It's not easy to get one. What happens if you don't get these things? Fines. 'Nuff said.
- H ST CONSTRUCTION. If you don't have to deal with it you're lucky, I feel like I'm killing my car every time I drive down H St.

Obviously, the pros far outweigh the cons for me and I love this city. You can greatly reduce your daily stress by not owning a car and just riding a bike everywhere. I'm glad I'm finally back in my hometown, and I don't know if I'll ever leave again.

By the way, if you're up for arguably the best sandwiches in DC, come see me at work at Taylor Gourmet, the K St location at the corner of 5th. I promise we'll cure your munchies.





PS. The awesome photos in this post are taken by Danilo Lewis, and appear here.

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Hooray for no internet and stealing library wifi!

So needless to say, this will be short.

I will have you know that this just happened:



Yeah that's what my phone looks like. Android > iPhone. I can change themes whenever I want as well. Thank not-god for apps.

I'll also have you know that this happened:



In case you can't read that (because you're dumb and forgot how to clink images) it says:
"Aye Wass Good, I'd Preciate If U'd Stop By My Page, N' SHow Some Love N' I'd Get Bacc At Ya, Make Sure U Listen 2 THa Music Ya Kno! ~Kidd Songz~"

I don't even really know how to respond, but you better believe I hit the deny button.

- My co-worker swears that the employees at our Books-A-Million "quack" over the intercom at customers to "persuade" them to stop reading and actually buy shit. Whether he's right or they're just fucking with people (my opinion), I think that's amazing.

- Renting a beach house for a New Years Eve party is a big possibility, and if so, it's going dooooowwwwwnnnnn.

- I used to like a certain name so much I had decided to name my future son by that name. Now that two (count em, TWO) guys with said name have become obsessed with me, I kind of hate the name. This is sad.

- Remember that baby story I was going on and on about a while back? Well when I was a baby my Mom took me to a gay pride festival in DC (and you know those gay boys loved little Caitlin!) and someone suggested I take a picture with Barney. Why Barney was there I don't know. Anyways, I sat down with Barney, started to immediately look perturbed, and then I slapped Barney in the face. Hard. I hated Barney throughout the rest of my childhood.

- Yeah that was it. I don't know why I made such a big deal out of it. *Shrug*

- Nothing funny left to say, so peace!

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Hey um, cold weather...

I really enjoy hanging out with you cold weather, but you're leaving again! Why so soon? You're supposed to stick around until March at least! You definitely seemed to be loving Nashville, what do you have against us on the coast of Alabama? Teasing us by hanging out for a few days is a pretty bitch move. Just sayin'. Hot weather, fuck you. I'm breaking up with you, and I don't want to see you again until June. Actually I may not want to ever see you again, you dick.

In case you're retarded, I'm quite unhappy about this psycho weather fluctuation. It's fall, it's supposed to be chilly, not hot, you dumb fucking atmosphere.

Anyways...

- I delivered some pasta to some stupid teenager the other day (yeah I know I'm still 19, shut up). After I gave her the food the following conversation took place:

Twit: "Soo ummm, they don't, like, send those free cake thingies with pasta anymoreeeee?"
Me: "No, that was just an introductory promotion for the Lava Cakes."
Twit: "Introductory... What?"
Me: "It was just a thing they did at first to promote the Lava Cakes, to get people to try them."
Twit: "So like, they're never going to be free again?"
Me: "....No...."
Twit: "BUMMERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! That's so laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! Whatevaaa."
Me: "Hah, yeah... Have a nice day."
Twit: *Half smile/ nod/ I'm a total cunt bitch who needs to go back to elementary school look.*

I wanted to go to my car, grab my fine-tipped Sharpie, and run back inside to attempt to stab her to death in the eye with it. I hope that when she gets a little bit older than 15 she learns to talk. If I one day find out she's actually older than me, I will lose all hope for the human race.

- If one more grocery store cashier tries to tell me what to do with my debit card, I will punch them in the face, and then punch them in the face again. I run my debit card as credit. If you're one of the many people who for some really fucked up reason didn't know you can run debit as credit, yes, you can. I'll explain, when you use plastic you are transferring electronic funds to whatever company you're purchasing merchandise from. They are taking money from somewhere. The only difference is this: Debit cards have money you put on them. Credit cards have money someone else put on them that you are borrowing and will eventually pay back. The card can be run as either thing. I run it as credit because I don't like to enter my PIN number in public (it's incredibly easy to remember four numbers) and banks usually have some incentive for you to run your card as credit. My bank used to give me points for "all non-PIN purchases" which means, run your card as credit for everything. Anyways, these fucking cashiers lately have been arguing with me. I'll try to run it as credit and it won't work (because the strip is diminishing fucked) and then they insist on trying themselves and they're all, "Oh well it's a DEBIT card, silly!". Then when it still doesn't work and I ask for a plastic bag to put over the strip so it'll work they ignore me and continue to waste ten minutes of my life trying to swipe my card 687 times. When they finally give into me asking for a bag, I take about 7 seconds to wrap it in the plastic, swipe it, and successfully run it through as credit. If these cashiers would just listen to me upfront then the line wouldn't be held up to Michigan and back, and I wouldn't be royally pissed off.

It's like people who try to tell me my dog is not a German Shepherd, but a Collie mix. She's a long haired bi-color German Shepherd. The people who come off like they know everything about dogs, literally know nothing about German Shepherds, and I find it ridiculous that they spend time arguing with me about it even though I have her papers, drove to PA to get her from a very good breeder, and have an extensive purebred pedigree on her. The people who know dogs? They say, "Oh that's a pretty German Shepherd!" They know immediately. Did you know German Shepherds can come in white, silver, all black, sable, and even "blue"? Well you do now.

Moral to these stories. If you're not 100% sure you know everything about anything, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

- Now that I've complained about everything ever, I leave you with this. Courtesy of the fine people of Nashville for introducing me to this. Also, don't hate me after watching. ;)



<33

What to say, what to say...

I am excited, not really because of T-Pain, Akon, or Ludacris (though I was excited about Stone Temple Pilots, but missed them thanks to having to work today), but because it's a large gathering of people partying and having a good time, and I'm off for two days in a row to enjoy it.

Bayfest '09, do not fail me.

What else to talk about, oh my baby story! Yeah, no, maybe next week. I do have some good ole' random shit for you though.

- Throughout the day on my deliveries, I often encounter things that make life worth living. Today I noticed the truck next to me had a passenger seat occupied by a giant lifesized teddy bear. This made me almost as happy as seeing that window a while back that had "DONUTS! Oh nom nom nom nom nom!" written on it.

- I also saw a fat kid riding a bike and of course upon seeing me he screamed "DOMINO'S!!!!!!!!!" This caused a chuckle.

- I've come to the conclusion that sand dunes are pretty amazing. My friends and I explore such natural areas in the middle of the night on the beach, cause I mean, what else is there to do in Gulf Shores, AL? Anyways, last night under a bright moon, I really came to appreciate them. They're like a mix between a desert and swamp-like plants. We found caves that are literally formed by low trees and shrubs, and even were lucky enough to enjoy a coyote howling extravaganza very close to us. Which by the way, was not scary in the least, coyotes tend to be pussies.

- How blunt must one be with a stupid person? Some crabby lady walked into Domino's yesterday and asked me what the deal was with the $6.00 large pizzas (there is a huge sign out front advertising said deal). I explained to her that they were large one topping pizzas for $6. She responded, "So what does that consist of?" I again repeated, "Um, a large one topping..." She continued asking me the same question. I mean, really? You get a large fucking pizza with fucking sauce and cheese, and whatever god damn ONE topping you want on it, and please stop wasting my time with stupid questions the other 95% of the population can figure out in two seconds! Sorry got carried away.

On that cheerful note, I'll end this. You probably won't hear from me all weekend, I'll be enjoying Bayfest and hanging out with my very best of friends. Also, I switched my domain over to something more custom and fabulous, take notice. Have a fun, safe weekend!

<33

Reasons to hate the human race.

Sorry I haven't been writing as much. It's been semi-busy here in shitty Alabama. The same will probably be true of next week, what with Bayfest and college friends coming down to visit.

Anyways, on to various reasons to hate people.

1. People who don't know proper restaurant manners.
So I'm at work right, and we have ten minutes to go before closing (Domino's, FYI). We haven't had an order in an hour so half the shit we have to clean is already cleaned, and we're ready to go. Then a phone call comes in.



So I answer it (I mean, I freaking have to!). This lady then spends five minutes ordering two things, all the time screaming into my ear not only at me, but at loud children, and at other people asking them if they want drinks for the road (WTF?). Finally she finishes fucking ordering. I leave the store with her food five minutes after we're closed (it had to cook first, duh) and head to the outskirts of town (yeah, she lived in BFE too!). I get there and do the whole money-pizza transaction thing.

Now let me explain something. If you keep servers of any kind working late, you better tip more than usual for inconveniencing them. This is common sense, and if you don't do this, you are a douchebag!

This lady gives me a $2.03 tip. I just silently turned around and got back into my car, trying not to scream or slam my door in their yard. I don't have anything else to say on this subject, you all should be able to feel my anger through this post already.

2. People who can't comprehend simple things.
Our work parking lot/driveway is one way. There's huge white arrows painted all over the parking lot making this blatantly obvious. Yet, every single day, multiple people go the wrong way and then make it a pain in the ass for everyone else to back out or pull in. See our parking spaces are slanted in one direction (since it's one way, ya know) and there are three parallel parking spaces in addition to the slanted ones. The parallel spaces can block the driveway if large vehicles park in them without getting close to the curb, so they are there only as a last option when there are no more slanted spaces left. Anyone with one iota of intelligence can grasp this concept. I wish I had a fucking dime for how many times a gigantic SUV has a) pulled in going the opposite direction despite the clearly marked arrows b) parked in a parallel space instead of a slanted one even though there are more than four slanted spaces open c) parked in the parallel space on the end, away from the curb, crooked, therefore blocking the driveway to other customers and delivery drivers entering from the right direction. Everyday I watch the madness unfold from inside and shake my head in sadness.

3. People who interrupt you when you're clearly busy.
There is one thing I really can't stand, and that is when people talk to me while I'm reading or writing. I can understand a short, "Hey when you're done let me know, I have something to talk to you about", but so many people just start the conversation and act oblivious to the fact that I'm actually trying to concentrate on something! I even try to ignore them by not looking up from what I'm doing and they just keep trucking on! One day I'm going to snap. I just don't know how much more I can take.

- On a completely unrelated note, Regions Bank, you need to STFU already. Everyday I hear your commercial on the radio talking about your LifeGreen Free Checking accounts, where people can do their banking online or over the phone for free and never have to deal with paper mail, and oh em gee it's like totally a reason to switch banks! Uh, Wachovia has had the same shit for at least three years that I know of and it's not even special to them, it's just standard. Regions, you fail.

- If you ever want to listen to a song that will either make you want to dance your hot ass off in a club, or have crazy good sex, I suggest downloading the "Zion" song off the Matrix Reloaded soundtrack. It works. Also, do not ever listen to the song "Dunkie Butt" by 12 Gauge, unless you want it stuck in your head for over 24 hours, like I did.

Because I like to ruin people's lives, I'm going to of course tempt you with this:


Peace out, story from my baby years tomorrow, look forward to it!

<33

I'm putting the blame on parents, always.

This post at See Kori Rant is the inspiration for what you're about to read. Specifically the comments on her post.



Disclaimer: I am only 19 years old, I have no children, I have limited experience with children. That being said, I like to think I am not a complete idiot on the subject.

I am sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of hearing people blame children's issues on technology! My "common-sense-meter" rings loud and clear on that making no sense whatsoever!

Parents, if your kid is an asshole to other kids, that is your fault! Not MTV's! If your kid brings a gun to school, or a knife, that is a complete fail on your part, not Grand Theft Auto's! If your kid kills someone, you were either the shittiest parent ever, or your kid is psychotic and there is simply nothing that will change that. If you think the TV or video game is influencing your child too heavily TURN THAT SHIT OFF. A child will only derive such influence from technology if the parent is going a completely fucking shit job. Sure kids like TV. They also like outings at the park, outside, with their family and friends much better! If they don't, it's probably a sign that you have already begun to fail.

I played a lot of video games as a child. I watched some gory movies and some outrageous TV shows. I even snuck in some porn at some point (I know right?! ZOMG?!). I blew people up left and right on that television set, tore people's heads off, ran people over with cars, shot people, gassed people, sold drugs, stole cars, laundered money. I even ate mushrooms to grow bigger! Guess what people?

I'm a perfectly fine, polite, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, classy young lady. Well, I try anyways. I owe it all to my single bisexual mother, because she is a GOOD PARENT.

So stop putting the blame on technology. Technology is awesome, it entertains us, saves lives, helps us discover new things, but it does not, and it will never, parent children. PARENTS, PARENT, CHILDREN.

It's time to start blaming the parents, 100% of the time, so these kids can get back on track.

<33

Tourists. I mean seriously?

This post at 2birds1blog made me decide to finally write that post about tourism I've been wanting to write all summer. WARNING: This post contains some heavy language as I tend to get pretty riled up about tourism.

Tourists can be good. They bring money to an area (especially mine, Gulf Shores, AL), they are interesting to watch sometimes, etc. Usually though, I just want to grab them and shake them uncontrollably while yelling "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!".

Let's examine some things shall we?

1) Driving.
They suck at it. I mean they suck fucking donkey balls at it. They drive twenty miles under the speed limit, they never use any signals, they ride your ass, or block you in the left lane. They look at you all horribly offended and what not when you pass them, or have your music turned up even a wee bit, or do anything that doesn't fit their pearly little image of their perfect vacation. Hey, you, with the fanny pack, I'm not on fucking vacation, I'm late for work, where I'll actually end up serving your kind, so can you please just meander over to the right lane (where you can literally go as slow as you want because in the common sense world that is what it's for!) and get the fuck out of my way. Mostly it's just tourists that don't follow the left is for cruising, right is for passing rule but sometimes LOCALS do it too and I hate them even more. When locals drive like jackasses it's just a downright betrayal. Unfortunately I live in Alabama where one is more likely to know how to drive a tractor then a car (JK Alabama, I have to poke fun at you sometimes though), but tourists still always outrank locals when it comes to shitty driving. They are just completely oblivious to the person behind them pumping their fists up and down, screaming, and swerving in anger (psh, yeah that's me!). They are instead moseying along in their minivan, looking at the 1,000th palm tree they've seen, getting excited over fucking sand, while not realizing they're going 20 mph in a 45. On a one lane road. Blocking traffic. Blocking traffic for miles. And miles. Forever. Hey, guess what? You wanna sight see? Fucking walk! Also, our ambulances, firetrucks, and police personnel are not toys. They're real. People have emergencies and die here too (I know, crazy!), so please move the fuck over. It marvels me how many of you just sit there like a retarded duck. One last thing, turning lanes, use them. Those arrows in the middle pointing to either direction, those are instructions. It's not just a big fucking blank spot to look at, it has a purpose. Purpose, people, PURPOSE.

2) Children.
Do you even know what your child is doing right now? Eating dog poop! Yeah, fucking look at them! I don't know why, but it seems that when people are on vacation they forget everything they've ever learned when it comes to social interaction, and this includes their kids. My friend Gaynelle recently told me a story about how this one kid in the restaurant she works at was literally shoving about fifty packets of sugar into his mouth, becoming more hyperactive by the second, and making a holy mess. When the parents were finally politely asked if they were seeing this, their response was, "Oh! Well we're on vacation so you know, yeah, whatever." and *shrug*. Um, what? Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean your kid all of a sudden became immune to sugar, the sugar is magically invisible and doesn't have to be cleaned up, and we're all deaf and can't hear your subsequently balls to the wall hyper spawn screaming at the top of his/her lungs. Some other points, when it's dark outside, and your kids run out into the middle of the road in traffic, and you do nothing to correct this because you're drunk (yeah, very drunk, all the time, because you're on fucking vacation), doesn't mean we're not going to kill your kids accidentally. You know why? Vacation doesn't magically give people crazy tiger night vision and super reflexes. What if we're drunk? Huh? Ever think of that? We freaking live here, on the beach, I mean, we should be drunk 24/7 right (since you certainly are)? Remember this next time.

3) You look and act like an idiot.
Seriously. Do you wear that at home? No? I didn't think so, so why in the hell would you wear it here?! I know a great thing about vacation is the fact that you can do anything stupid and no one knows you, but have some fucking dignity. Also, seriously? Do you act that way at home? You really block the aisle in the grocery store with your five shopping carts arguing with your co-vacationer about what you have and don't have at the condo, eventually just forcing me to be rude and grunt in a mean fashion while pushing your shit out of the way. I mean, seriously. *Sigh*

I can't write anymore because if I do, I'm liable to go buy a gun and blow my head off just thinking about it. If you're a tourist and you don't do any of this, well then kudos to you!

Although, I know you will continue to plague me in DC, where the meaning of "Walk left, stand right", will hold no meaning to you, no matter how many times locals push you out of the way.

God damn you ignorant tourist creature from hell. God damn you.

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