Goodbye cloves, greetings fall!

First we'll cover the good stuff.



Good riddance to you sir! You stupid, worthless, annoying, infuriating temperate season that is called summer. I for one, am thrilled to feel you leaving us. Yesterday I had to drive around in 90+ degree weather and I hated my life. Today however, I was greeted by the wonderful, beautiful, temperate season that goes by the name fall. I felt like a different person. I delivered pizza all day with the windows down, breathing in the nice crisp air. I was so hyperactive that at one point I was actually jogging in circles inside my place of employment. Weather like this makes me want to go outside forever and just run (and that's serious because I normally hate running). I am head over heels in love with the outdoors right now.

I know I'm getting too excited though, because if I've learned anything from living down here as long as I have, it's that the summer heat is a fucking backstabbing bitch and likes to tease people. It'll probably be back before it loses it's grasp completely. I really hope fall hangs around for Bayfest at least.

Now onto the bad.



Goodbye my loves! I was able to snag two packs of you (illegally) from my very trustworthy gas station attendant but I fear that it's for the last time. I also was only able to get the smooth versions of you, and they're not as good. So sad. For those of you living in caves, there has been a ban on all flavored cigarettes. It fucking sucks. I smoke, but I'm not a true smoker. As in, I don't smoke as a habit. I smoke at parties, special occasions, etc. Not everyday, or even every week. The ability to smoke without becoming addicted to nicotine runs in my family as evidenced by both my aunt and grandmother. Anyways, usually I smoke menthols (cheap and they don't taste like cigarettes and I hate the taste of cigarettes), but occasionally I would spring for Djarum Blacks, Djarum Splashes, or Sweet Dreams Belgium Blends (originally called Chocolate Mocha, because they are really chocolate flavored cigarettes). These are brands I rarely found in gas stations, mostly in specialty shops. Now however I can never buy them legally in the US except in mini cigar form, which I hear taste nasty, and I hate cigars anyways. I understand cigarettes are bad, I understand the corporations controlling them are greedy bastards, I voted for Obama and still like him, but I think this ban is bullshit. I don't favor bans on anything, since this again is putting the blame on product and not people. The main reason for this ban is the argument that it markets to children. I don't see too many children in specialty tobacco stores, and the ones I see smoking are usually smoking normal cigarettes anyways. 95% of the people I've met in my life didn't even know chocolate cigarettes existed. If your child is smoking, once again, this is probably a sign that you are being a shitty parent. Now everyone (of legal age and sound mind) who enjoyed these cigarettes are fucked and many small businesses who depended on the sales of these often difficult to find brands will suffer.

I like you Obama, I really do, but on this, fuck you. Christmas & New Years will never be the same now without the snap, crackle, and pop, of a Black cigarette.

I promised you all the baby story yesterday and didn't post it because my internet was out. Well tonight I'm going to skip on it again. Sorry, maybe tomorrow? It's not that important anyways. I'm off to enjoy the weather, nurse my wound from losing my special cigarettes, and take sleeping pills to attempt to turn around my completely fucked sleeping schedule.

Have a good fall-weather-feeling night!

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I'm putting the blame on parents, always.

This post at See Kori Rant is the inspiration for what you're about to read. Specifically the comments on her post.



Disclaimer: I am only 19 years old, I have no children, I have limited experience with children. That being said, I like to think I am not a complete idiot on the subject.

I am sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of hearing people blame children's issues on technology! My "common-sense-meter" rings loud and clear on that making no sense whatsoever!

Parents, if your kid is an asshole to other kids, that is your fault! Not MTV's! If your kid brings a gun to school, or a knife, that is a complete fail on your part, not Grand Theft Auto's! If your kid kills someone, you were either the shittiest parent ever, or your kid is psychotic and there is simply nothing that will change that. If you think the TV or video game is influencing your child too heavily TURN THAT SHIT OFF. A child will only derive such influence from technology if the parent is going a completely fucking shit job. Sure kids like TV. They also like outings at the park, outside, with their family and friends much better! If they don't, it's probably a sign that you have already begun to fail.

I played a lot of video games as a child. I watched some gory movies and some outrageous TV shows. I even snuck in some porn at some point (I know right?! ZOMG?!). I blew people up left and right on that television set, tore people's heads off, ran people over with cars, shot people, gassed people, sold drugs, stole cars, laundered money. I even ate mushrooms to grow bigger! Guess what people?

I'm a perfectly fine, polite, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, classy young lady. Well, I try anyways. I owe it all to my single bisexual mother, because she is a GOOD PARENT.

So stop putting the blame on technology. Technology is awesome, it entertains us, saves lives, helps us discover new things, but it does not, and it will never, parent children. PARENTS, PARENT, CHILDREN.

It's time to start blaming the parents, 100% of the time, so these kids can get back on track.

<33

Tourists. I mean seriously?

This post at 2birds1blog made me decide to finally write that post about tourism I've been wanting to write all summer. WARNING: This post contains some heavy language as I tend to get pretty riled up about tourism.

Tourists can be good. They bring money to an area (especially mine, Gulf Shores, AL), they are interesting to watch sometimes, etc. Usually though, I just want to grab them and shake them uncontrollably while yelling "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!".

Let's examine some things shall we?

1) Driving.
They suck at it. I mean they suck fucking donkey balls at it. They drive twenty miles under the speed limit, they never use any signals, they ride your ass, or block you in the left lane. They look at you all horribly offended and what not when you pass them, or have your music turned up even a wee bit, or do anything that doesn't fit their pearly little image of their perfect vacation. Hey, you, with the fanny pack, I'm not on fucking vacation, I'm late for work, where I'll actually end up serving your kind, so can you please just meander over to the right lane (where you can literally go as slow as you want because in the common sense world that is what it's for!) and get the fuck out of my way. Mostly it's just tourists that don't follow the left is for cruising, right is for passing rule but sometimes LOCALS do it too and I hate them even more. When locals drive like jackasses it's just a downright betrayal. Unfortunately I live in Alabama where one is more likely to know how to drive a tractor then a car (JK Alabama, I have to poke fun at you sometimes though), but tourists still always outrank locals when it comes to shitty driving. They are just completely oblivious to the person behind them pumping their fists up and down, screaming, and swerving in anger (psh, yeah that's me!). They are instead moseying along in their minivan, looking at the 1,000th palm tree they've seen, getting excited over fucking sand, while not realizing they're going 20 mph in a 45. On a one lane road. Blocking traffic. Blocking traffic for miles. And miles. Forever. Hey, guess what? You wanna sight see? Fucking walk! Also, our ambulances, firetrucks, and police personnel are not toys. They're real. People have emergencies and die here too (I know, crazy!), so please move the fuck over. It marvels me how many of you just sit there like a retarded duck. One last thing, turning lanes, use them. Those arrows in the middle pointing to either direction, those are instructions. It's not just a big fucking blank spot to look at, it has a purpose. Purpose, people, PURPOSE.

2) Children.
Do you even know what your child is doing right now? Eating dog poop! Yeah, fucking look at them! I don't know why, but it seems that when people are on vacation they forget everything they've ever learned when it comes to social interaction, and this includes their kids. My friend Gaynelle recently told me a story about how this one kid in the restaurant she works at was literally shoving about fifty packets of sugar into his mouth, becoming more hyperactive by the second, and making a holy mess. When the parents were finally politely asked if they were seeing this, their response was, "Oh! Well we're on vacation so you know, yeah, whatever." and *shrug*. Um, what? Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean your kid all of a sudden became immune to sugar, the sugar is magically invisible and doesn't have to be cleaned up, and we're all deaf and can't hear your subsequently balls to the wall hyper spawn screaming at the top of his/her lungs. Some other points, when it's dark outside, and your kids run out into the middle of the road in traffic, and you do nothing to correct this because you're drunk (yeah, very drunk, all the time, because you're on fucking vacation), doesn't mean we're not going to kill your kids accidentally. You know why? Vacation doesn't magically give people crazy tiger night vision and super reflexes. What if we're drunk? Huh? Ever think of that? We freaking live here, on the beach, I mean, we should be drunk 24/7 right (since you certainly are)? Remember this next time.

3) You look and act like an idiot.
Seriously. Do you wear that at home? No? I didn't think so, so why in the hell would you wear it here?! I know a great thing about vacation is the fact that you can do anything stupid and no one knows you, but have some fucking dignity. Also, seriously? Do you act that way at home? You really block the aisle in the grocery store with your five shopping carts arguing with your co-vacationer about what you have and don't have at the condo, eventually just forcing me to be rude and grunt in a mean fashion while pushing your shit out of the way. I mean, seriously. *Sigh*

I can't write anymore because if I do, I'm liable to go buy a gun and blow my head off just thinking about it. If you're a tourist and you don't do any of this, well then kudos to you!

Although, I know you will continue to plague me in DC, where the meaning of "Walk left, stand right", will hold no meaning to you, no matter how many times locals push you out of the way.

God damn you ignorant tourist creature from hell. God damn you.

<33